afterthoughts one fine day

Today is a very hot day; I woke up to a sweat threatening to heat me up more still. Even the fan was not of much help, it felt like there was heat all around me. Is it really that hot or maybe this thing is inside me, something burning me. The same thoughts engulf me as they had yesterday and invade me, cheating me of any peace I had achieved being in a blissful dream. Then I think is it only me thinking the same things again or do they also knock at their door, do they also capture their mind and imprison them in the broken past? I feel detached like an insect barely clinging to a leaf, threatened by the wind and rain equally to sweep me off to the ground and land me with a thud.

Life isn’t uncertain I would say, everything is happening just like it should happen and like I had projected it to happen. What is different is that I had not accounted for the countless hours of suffering my heart would get accustomed to and fall for the dark lost life rather than live in sync with people. People are everywhere, all around me and I look at them with hollow eyes. I see through them and it seems their emotions and struggle shower out of them, like they are screaming out to me their fears and resentment. Someone cries about the weather, another abuses the government, a third talks about poverty and fourth counters it with inflation. They just never end, these topics of frustration with living their life, the last person I saw content with life was my grandfather, who I never saw complaining about life or person or any situation, even though he was forced to the bed for more than 10 years. But today man has lost all patience which is replaced with only frustration.

Maybe these are my thoughts and are not felt by others but then world is just a perception of our own mind. We always see what we actually feel at the moment. If we feel sad and hateful, that is all our heart and mind will look for in the world. Right now all I feel is emptiness, hollow, I feel like a well which is dry of anything that ever existed, so I see everything superficial in the world, everything around me is empty, empty promises, empty love, empty emotions, replaced by fake and pretence and shouted out to make believe that it is real.

I keep staring at the wall thinking it might talk to me. The blank screen of the computer screen also does not talk, it’s like I am waiting for a moment for something to happen, that maybe the wall will burst or something terrible will come out of the computer and rock this world, then the thoughts of destruction is all I see. Rotten, limbless bodies kept in a pile of stock everywhere, the heap of souls tortured and thrown like garbage while the fake carrier walks around, driven by malice and hunger for more. I feel like throwing up, everything out of me, any solids and with it take out all the emotions that reside within me. Make myself a vessel of the whole universe and emerge with the world.