Confessions of a depressed mind

 I don’t think it was just one thing, it was more of a whole sequence of events. Around November I met someone. I don’t it was live but it was something deeper that I felt for them. I wanted them to be a part of my life. Obviously my first instinct was to ask them out but I got rejected. I was initially heartbroken. Then I thought it wasn’t that bad. Maybe we could be just friends for their mete presence in my life was enough to brighten my day. so I decided to just be a friend and we started talking. 

Then there was another bombshell. I lost my job. Not because something was wrong with me or that I did something. But because someone decided they hated me and played office politics to get kicked out. I felt hurt because I was talented, intelligent and well deserving but was treated like shit and discarded when I was finally going to make money. I felt used. Like did I have no value? Was that the impression I left on people? Was I actually that horrible a person to be treated that way? And I got no answers. I still thought maybe it was for good. That it was certainly not a place for my good and god made me leave that place as I had been facing a lot of harassment at work for past few months. So I left the thought and decided to look forward to a vacation. 

I was going with few friends at their beach house. I figured it would be a good release of my stress. But obviously god certainly did not want me vacationing. The vacation was a torment. I was harassed for money by my friend throughout, mentally harassed and emotionally drained. To the point that I was waiting for the vacation to end. And finally I was happy I was back home. Then that friend started bad mouthing me to people because obviously she did not want me saying anything bad about her. Even though I would not have, it hurt me that she said such hateful and mean things about me after I spent close to $1500 on her and her family. Which may not be much for many people but is a lot for a person without a job. 

And then because of all this the new friend I had thought I had made also started changing or maybe she had her own reasons. I never found out. But she just ghosted me and refused to talk to me. So I gave her what she wanted and stayed away from her, until she left Canada to go back home. 

By the end of all this I was broken. Not for one thing but all these things that happened to me in succession. It felt like my life just went really to the bottom and I was flat on the ground. Even though I have a loving sister and supportive parents, I felt like a loser. And I will be honest I thought about taking my own life. But I never had the courage to do it. Part of me was afraid to survive the attempt and part of me was worried about my parents and how they will survive this if I did it. It would surely break them. And I just told my self each day, “just one more day and it will get better.” And days changed to weeks to months and it has been 5 months now. 

It has been 5 months and I still don’t have a job. In all this I try my best to be good. But a part of feels its died. Like it gave up. Gave up on finding something better. Right now I do not even feel I have a luxury to dream for it seems when I dream they never come true. And I am worried about my cat. Because if he keeps seeing me depressed he might get depressed too and that is the last thing I want. So I decided that I will write it out. Maybe if I write it, it will get out if me and stay less inside of me.