Early morning fright.....

Never knew I'd feel so much worse being home,it's a riveting feeling,a slow ache like a stab stuck in my heart,all u wanted was attention and for that you destroyed everything,never thought how it would hurt us,and now it's killing me and I can't do anything at home,I can't drink myself to sleep,I can't vomit my guts out,it's a slow sinking feeling,like I'll be lost in this darkness......and it feels like you are there but you can't hear me,I scream my lungs out but there is no reply,even the stench of my blood and my rotten wounds don't sway you,I am lying like a pulp of waste ready to be sweeped into the garbage and I just wonder if it's all fate. My demise is the only freedom I can see for nothing else would give peace,this slow murmer of increasingly louder emotions gnaw at me,pounce at my heart and hook onto my veins,it's like I have been hung and dried for a final judgement to be pronounced of my outcome for all the things I did for living my life,for I have been cursed to walk barefoot on nails and be whiplashed upto my grave,my last breathe lingers on as every pain is squeezed out of me.... I am here bt my existence is long gone I wait to turn to ashes and be carried by the wind for I don't want to stay home no more. I close my eyes and the smiling face holds me together to yet again vanish into the brims of reality and I am left there stung by time waiting to be awoken......though my will to breathe is not controlled but my will to sleep is always there,to dream and never wake up,this world the universe seems like a foreign country and my life a big question, upon which I come to the conclusion if my suffering is a wasted appeal of a soul to feel all that has been told will be got once I land here,were they empty promises by god or a battle which has just started,my senses only defy me more the older I get and more I lose,the shoulders have become tired but the memories don't fail for these instances are imbeded like color on a film,once imprinted they might go dusty after a while but always marked on the mind,the records if then played play all the nasty games I prayed were lost n forgotten,it's like gold dust,seems like treasure but vanishes like feathers n the wind carries them away,what is left is you in your bed with voices ringing your head n images flashing your eyes,bt all you can focus on are the things you did and said.....n yet even though I am here to stay I have gathered these thoughts cause I just cannot sleep,you always linger in my head and I sigh,where do I tread?